I found myself sitting cross legged in the nursery to be the other day amidst boxes of diapers and baby gear, folding new born onsies, like 40 of them.
But how many do I really need I thought? What if the baby is big and I don’t need any of them. I washed them in special baby detergent but did I use a bounce dryer sheet? Is that bad if I did?
Needless to say there is so much unknown and I have hardly made it past the laundry.
These questions arise every single day. How will I know? What will I do? Is this right? What if I am wrong? Sometimes I feel confident, other days I feel doubtful.
Regardless, the days go by though these last few weeks are slow with anticipation, nerves and excitement.
Everyone told me I would never truly be ready to make the decision to have a baby and for me personally I couldn’t agree more.
When I took the pregnancy test I was getting ready to take Lulu on a walk. All I could manage as a response was, “oh.”
Shawn yelled from the other room, “Oh or no?”
I walked out with eyes wide, voice uncertain, “I’m pregnant.”
Needless to say he went on that walk with me.
We didn’t talk a whole lot and had moments of random, nervous laughter and just looked at each other and shake our heads smiling. Knowing you want to have a baby and actually realizing you are having one are on to opposite ends of the emotion filled spectrum.
I know we all have our own stories and journeys and I decided to share mine today to show that there is really no right time or way to do things.
I thought by the time I was in my early 30’s I would have 3 kids. Maybe that is because what my mom had and I just assumed I would follow suit.
Instead I have spent the last 10 years getting married, focusing on my career, getting un married lets say, focusing on my career, regrouping with myself, and now engaged with a baby on the way.
I did things “in order” and then completely out of order if we are going by so called typical social norms. I use to get questions all the time. “Don’t you want kids?” “Isn’t it time?” “Your sisters are going to pass you up and have kids before you.”
And they did. Both younger. Both have kids. And now I am turning to them for advice.
I trained a husband and wife client one morning a few years back and the husband made a comment I was running out of time. His wife playfully, but oh so seriously, reached over and smacked his arm. “She is not. She has plenty of time.”
I think as women we feel pressure. That we need to be in a relationship. That we need to get married. That we need to have kids. I personally had always wanted kids but the situation was not what I needed it to be when I was married previously and I am so glad I didn’t have a child simply because I felt I was suppose too.
Once I got divorced the overwhelming baby questions stopped but I know some women who don’t want kids and still get those questions.
I hope women can be supported in whatever choice they make. Kids or not. Married or not. Career choice or not. It is there business and their business only.
The past 10 years being kidless has given me great fun. I have traveled all over the country. I have expanded my personal training knowledge and know how with multiple certifications and build a consistent and loyal clientele.
I have enjoyed full nights of sleep and workouts at any time I please. I have turned into a dog person and have the most precious golden retriever who sleeps at my chair whenever I type out these long blog posts. I have 4 adorable nieces and 1 nephew who I get to snuggle and love and they call me Auntie Del.
At times I have also had moments where friends told me they were pregnant and I went home and cried because I felt I should have been too.
I have felt alone and out of place in mommy conversations where I sit and nod and smile and pretend that I too know what they are talking about with breastfeeding and when to eat solid foods.
I have had times where I wished I had kids to do art projects with and get excited around the holidays with that different spirit that children somehow bring.
And now here I am, 2 trimesters down, a few weeks to go.
My pregnancy has brought a lot of fatigue, less workouts (my prior go-to), thrown off my appetite and of course my body ever changing.
I have days where I want her to be here so bad and days when I mourn the loss of my freedom, sleep, and healthy selfishness.
Shawn and I talk to my belly and wonder what she will look like. We look at clothes and can’t believe how little she will be. We shake our heads that she is growing inside me and laugh in amazement when she kicks and envision her practicing her weight lifting moves.
He really wanted a boy but he has taken such good care of his girls (Lulu and I) during these past 8 months and it is only foresight to what a great dad he already is and will be.
I share these personal thoughts today because so often life gets overwhelmed by where we should be and what we should be doing.
We make great plans and somehow end off our desired map. We think we need better jobs, bigger houses, more exciting relationships. We think if we just follow things according to plan we will be ok.
We get trapped by letting these emotions dictate how we live day to day. Never satisfied, ungrateful, always wanting more.
More is what we do today. It is how we deal with the cards that have been handed to us and it is how we choose to view the world around us. It is meeting ourselves where we are and not where we think we should be.
I will be sharing more on my fitness journey in pregnancy (and how it changed drastically), an interview I hosted on pre and post natal fitness ( a must for anyone who is active during pregnancy and post) and on how I will resume my training post baby.